Song of the Lioness In a nutshell
by shang-wombat
Summary: ***We plead temporary insanity** ( Rating has chaged )This is the REAL story of alanna!!! Be forwarned, plot gophers are rampant!!
1. Alanna the First Adventure

Alanna: The First Adventure (in a nutshell)  
  
By: Odango and Mikki  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, we credit you all with the intelligence to figure out that we own..well, let's see...none of this. All credit goes to Tamora Peirce for her writing genious!!!  
  
Mikki: Wait!!Wait!!! I do own someone!!! I own Briar...he's my husband.**eyes glaze over**  
  
Dango: Right...anyhow...  
  
~***in our defense, it was past midnight when we wrote this so don't blame us! This is typed out as it was originaly written.  
  
One day there was a girl named Alanna who didn't want to be a lady so she switched places with her brother Thom and filled her gaurdians (Corrum Smythson) flask full of brandy so that he was too pissed drunk to notice that 'Thom' was really Alanna.  
  
And then then Corum was all like  
  
"blah blah blah, you can't be a knight cuz cuz your not, like, manly."  
  
And then alanna was like  
  
"Thom like, suckes ass at archery and stuff and i can, like, skin a rabbit with my teeth so you should take me."  
  
And Corrum was all like  
  
"dude, i'm like too shit-faced to find my way home anyways so we'll just like go to the stupid palace."  
  
And Alanna was all like "Yay!"  
  
And few days later alanna and corrum were riding through the bustleing city of corus when george came skipping merrily around the corner singing  
  
"tra la la la,"  
  
and corum said  
  
"awww... I have a hangover why the hell are you so happy?"  
  
and george said,  
  
"cuz i just stole my mothers teeth."  
  
and then alanna went to the palace where she met this ass wanker named ralon (aka joren) who was all like  
  
"i'm going to beat you with a stick, alan of trebond!"  
  
And alanna was all like  
  
"you kiss pigs, ralon of malven!"  
  
and then prince jonathan came along and said  
  
"i'm going to stick my perfect royal nose into everyones buisness. Besides that, kissing pigs gives you AIDS."  
  
and gary was all like  
  
"you don't get AIDS from kissing pigs!"  
  
and jon was like  
  
"yuh-huh! don't you pay attention in CALM class?"  
  
and raoul was all like "duh..."  
  
and then gary was like  
  
"no, silly-billy we don't have calm, we live in tortall!"  
  
and alanna was like "dude, then how're you suppose to know that sexual promiscuity promates the transferance of sextualy transmitted viral infections."  
  
and raoul was all like "duh."  
  
and jon was all like "All this talk about sexual promiscuity meakes me wanna screw something cuz i'm horny."  
  
  
  
and ralon of malvon said "maybe i use violence as a way of expressing my internal insecurities  
  
with relation to my homosexual tendancies... jon! screw me!"  
  
and jon was all like "ewwwwwww."  
  
  
  
and gary was all like "fa la la, i'm tour guide gary, and i'm gonna show you 'around' the 'palace'  
  
  
  
then some years passed and nothing much singificant happened and alanna trained and stuff and then jon  
  
decided "hey, lets disobey every order we ever had and go riding aimlessly through the desert to  
  
our certain doom."  
  
  
  
and alanna said "lets go to vegas and get married."  
  
  
  
and jon's like "alan, your a guy."  
  
  
  
and alanna was all like "oh, right."  
  
  
  
and jon was like "so what? i'm the prince, my ideas better, and i'm the prince, so there!"  
  
  
  
so they went to the black city where they met the ysandir who were all like "naaarg, we're like evil demons and stuff."  
  
  
  
and and alanna was all like "dude, this is trippy, all my clothes are gone."  
  
  
  
and jon was all like "dude, alan, that kind of surgery doesn't exist yet."  
  
  
  
and raoul was like "duh"  
  
  
  
and alanna's like "raoul, you dumbass, you're not in this part"  
  
  
  
and raoul was like "duh" and walked off.  
  
  
  
oh yeah, and a while ago this guy named fancis died but nobody knew who he was and nobody  
  
cared.  
  
and francis was like "naaarg, i'm like dead and stuff, this sucks mockey balls."  
  
  
  
and jon was like "dude, no one cares and we don't have monkeys in tortall."  
  
  
  
and alanna was all like "we have jon."  
  
  
  
and the ysandir, who were dead, said "yeah, good point."  
  
and alanna laughed because dead and said ryme.  
  
  
  
and alanna was just like "why don't we ride to the damned oaisis so we can finish this damn book"  
  
  
  
and jon said "ok" and they left.  
  
  
  
~the end~  
  
**Yet again, we apologise, flame away!!!**** 


	2. In the Hand of the Goddess

In The Hand of the Goddess (our version)  
  
~By: Dango 'n Mikki  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, we own none of this...(you probably know as much)  
  
***Oh yeah, and we were REALLY hyper (and probably partially drunk... it was new year's eve) so we claim no resonsibility for anything we've typed!!!  
  
Once upon a time there was a he-she named alanna who was skipping merrily through the forest sing "tra la la la la. I have a basket full of documents for my Grammy Myles. I hope I don't run into any big bad wolves."  
  
and the Great Mother Goddess was all like "What're you implieing?"  
  
and alanna was all like  
  
"holy f*ck, it's a diety!"  
  
"Yes, holy being the key word," the Goddess answered.  
  
"Shoot, will I go to hell for swearing in frount of God?"  
  
and the Goddess said "Ummm, firstly I'm not God- check it out, I have boobs. Secondly there is no hell."  
  
and alanna was all like "Score!"  
  
and the Goddess was all like "Thow must do three thing for me: screw Jonathan, screw Gary-"  
  
"Hey! That wasn't in the book!"  
  
and the Goddess was all like "In that case clobber duke roger and screw Jonathan."  
  
and alanna was all like "Is it just me or are things getting repetitive?"  
  
and Jonathan ran naked though the forest yelling "Yay! I get to lose my virginity! "  
  
and alanna was all like "Didn't you lose it to Ralon of malven?"  
  
"What?! You count drunken accidents?" and then Jonathan left because he wasn't suppose to be in this scene anyways.  
  
and the Goddess (who's nick-name is something blasphemous that we can't tell you) said "Don't forget to pass your ordeal of knighthood. If you don't my plan will be royally buggered."  
  
  
  
and alanna was all like "You talk like an old lady who's high on prune juice. Only morons and old people say bugger."  
  
and Jonathan was all like "The stupid bugger thistle! ow! It's stuck me right in my buggering bugger..."  
  
and alanna was all like "I rest my case." than alanna mounted her trusty steed moonlight and rode to Corus where Raoul was drinking even though he has a drinking problem.  
  
and then Dain the knight from Tusaine who's brother was called Bain said to alanna  
  
"You suck."  
  
"Hey! How'd you know about that?" alanna said.  
  
and dane said "I want to make you be in a lot of pain."  
  
And Mikki and Odango relized (belatedly) that alanna didn't have lighting... oops... well, she does now. so there.  
  
  
  
and alanna was all like "Mwahaha, I will prance around in my stocking feet and wack you with this fine piece of metalwork."  
  
and since alanna was an incompletely trained (and very short) page and dane was a fully trained knight it was inevitable for alanna to be victorious.  
  
and alanna was all like  
  
"gimmi and 'A, A' gimmi a 'L,L!' gimmi another 'A' gimmi a 'N' and another 'N' gimmi an 'A'."  
  
and Jonathan was all like "That spells 'alanna'"  
  
and 'alan' was all like "Oh, right. I knew that."  
  
and then the Mithran priest popped out of nowhere and spanked alanna for not being able to spell.  
  
and alanna was all like "I though priests weresn't alowed to touch little boys in their special areas."  
  
and the priest was all like "I'm not roman catholic."  
  
and then raoul was all like "duh"  
  
and francis was all like "awwwww, I'm dead."  
  
and everyone said "shut up francis, we don't care."  
  
and Ralon was all like "You can spank me, mr. Mythrian priest"  
  
and the priest was all like "ewww, you h ave aids."  
  
"I didn't know I'd get aids! why do they spread the desise and not the knowlege? Why WHY!!?"  
  
and alanna was like "Go away, you left in the first book."  
  
so Ralon left and probably raped somebody.  
  
and alanna was all like "all in a days work."  
  
and Dain who was dead was all like "Newawrwye. this sucks monkey balls."  
  
and jon was all like "I though we clairified in the first book that there are no monkeys in tortall."  
  
and the Goddess was all like "What the hell?!"  
  
and alanna was all like "I thought you said there was no hell."  
  
and the Goddess was like "Damnit! why must I always contradict myself" and she disapeared.  
  
and Myles was all like "Why did you kill Dain?"  
  
and alanna was like "Myles, you're too uptight. I know what would make you feel better. let's go kill stupid people."  
  
and Myles was like "that's a great idea we could have gotten rid of jonathan years ago."  
  
and alanna said "Yes, let us kill Jonathan."  
  
and Jonathan was all like "I'm sacred."  
  
and alanna said in a lusty voice "I'm scared too-"  
  
and myles was all like "No! No no no no, you fools! Not with me here!"  
  
and then Duke gareth decided to dive off his horse and into the mud and break his leg because he though it would be fun.  
  
and roger was all like "Mwahaha, this fits in perfectly with my plan to dominate the kingdom and usurp the throne."  
  
and Jonathan was all like " Um Rog? you're thinking outloud again."  
  
and roger was all like "damnit."  
  
and jonathan was all like "That's ok, i'm stupid, I've forgotten already. Unkey roger, can I have a hug?"  
  
and roger was like "No comment"  
  
and then george met alanna in the lesser library and he was all like "I stole my mothers teeth."  
  
and alanna was like "good for you, george. you're a very special boy."  
  
and george was like "Y'know alanna, I've always had this fantasy about making out with a chick  
  
who's dressed up like a boy while wearing monk cloths."  
  
and alanna was all like "really? me too"  
  
So they went at it like rabbits.  
  
  
  
And then a lot of stuff happened, none of it of any consequence until alanna chocked on a bean. It was funny.  
  
  
  
and then alanna was kidnapped and no one was alowed to save her except Jonathan, who was too stupid to know that there were rules anyways.  
  
  
  
and Jonathan was all like "I'm off to save my girlfriend-*cough cough* i mean, um, squire."  
  
and roger was like "Nooo! his idiotcy foiled my ingenious plan once again. Damn you, batman!  
  
One of these days I'll get you!"  
  
  
  
and Jonathan was like "I though you were mad at me."  
  
  
  
and roger said "Oh, yeah."  
  
  
  
and alanna puked on jonathans feet.  
  
  
  
and faithful was like "hey!!! you ass-holes!! you forgot about me."  
  
  
  
and roger was all like "ahhhh!!!!! the cat is possesed by SATAN!"  
  
  
  
and the Goddess was like "There is no hell,THERE IS NO SATAN!!!"  
  
  
  
and roger was like "You mean I won't burn for plotting to kill the only heir to the kingdom?"  
  
  
  
and the mother Goddess was like "nope."  
  
  
  
and Jonathan was like "You-you're plotting to kill who?"  
  
  
  
and roger was like "ummm.... the other sole heir to the throne." ( eyes dart suspiciously from side to side)  
  
  
  
and jonathan was like "phew,that's good, I was scared."  
  
  
  
and alanna was like "I was scared too."  
  
  
  
and the Goddess was like "Oh, no you don't"  
  
  
  
and they were like "awwwww"  
  
  
  
and then the war ended and alanna dressed like a girl and Jon started to unlace her bodice and  
  
alanna started yelling "rape! rape!"  
  
  
  
and alanna said "is there a law about screwing in rose gardens?"  
  
  
  
and jon was like "possibly. lets go to my chamber."  
  
  
  
and alanna was like "I'm scared."  
  
  
  
and jonathan was like "I'm scared too."  
  
  
  
and alanna was like "maybe this fear emerges from a deep void in our phyche that we created by denying ourselves from exploring our biological urges."  
  
  
  
and jonathan was like "huh?"  
  
  
  
and alanna said "I said let's screw."  
  
  
  
and Jonathan siad "Ok"  
  
  
  
and the Goddess said "My work here is done".  
  
  
  
~The End~  
  
  
  
oh, yeah- and alanna passed the chamber of ordeal and got knighted and defeated the evil sorcerer duke roger and stuff.  
  
**COMING SOON***  
  
The Woman Who Rides A Man  
  
(**cough**we mean, um, The Woman Who Rides *Like* A Man )  
  
******THERE...our work here is done *******PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! 


	3. The Woman Who Rides Like a Man

The Woman Who Rides a Man...oops, we mean *Like* a Man...  
  
Also known as "Song of the Lioness in a Nutshell: Part 3"  
  
And "The Chick Who Rides Like A Dude"  
  
Disclaimer: Roses are red,  
  
Violets are blue,  
  
Don't sue us...  
  
Or we'll smack you!!!  
  
Dango: Shouldn't we say something about the fact that we own none of this...  
  
Mikki: We own the Brazzir! Oh!!! And Briar **eyes glaze over**  
  
Anyway....  
  
One day Alanna and Corrum rode into the desert and met a bunch of men with bras on their heads who were all like, "Fa la la, we're the Brazzir!"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Aren't you supposed to be the Bazhir?"  
  
And then Corrum was all like, "No...this is just the authors' lame attempt at humour..."  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Brazzir? Ok. That's just stupid."  
  
Then the Brazzir rode off into the sunsent, shortly after, Jonathan ran naked through the desert yelling, "Yay! I get screwed in this book!"  
  
And then George was all like, "Really? Wow! So do I! Small world huh?"  
  
And Jonathan was all like, "Hey! Who're you calling small?"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Goddamnit! You two aren't in this part!!"  
  
And then George was all like, "Oh yeah...right...because this is the part where you go on an independant psychological voyage to try and cope with your fear of magic, and all your other repressed anxieties before commiting soley to one individual, right?"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Um... right."  
  
And then a whole bunch of hillmen oh so conveniantly showed up so that Alanna could kick there asses and impress the onlooking Bazhir. Not to mention, create an interesting desert-battle sceen, featuring may shirtless men for a potential future movie.  
  
And then the Bazhir were all like, "Yo, yo, yo! Get off our turff!!"  
  
And then there was this dude (who's name we can't remember) who was all like, "Yo! Mastar G! Dats da homey dat killed those dudes who were, like, whacked...in dat city dat was, like, way uncool!"  
  
And Halseif was all like, "Whoa! SHe's a chick...who rides like a dude...Hey! I know! Let's call her "The Chick Who Rides Like a Dude"  
  
And the other Bazhir were all like, "Whoa, that's like, way creative man!"  
  
And then a nameless Bazhir dude was all like, "Hey! Dude...where's my CARivan?"  
  
And everyone else ignored him. Like they do Francis.  
  
And Francis was all like, "Yay! I got mentioned!"  
  
Then the Bazhir decided to take the "Chick Who Rides Like a Dude" back to their camp and sacrifice her in a satanic ritual.  
  
And then the Mother Goddess was all like, "AAAARRGGHH!!!! THERE IS NO SATAN!!!"  
  
And Akhan Ibn Nazzir ( Who shall henceforth be reffered to as 'That Ibn Guy Who's Name We're Not Going to Write Again Because it's Too Damn Long') saw Alanna and was all like, "AHH!!! It's SATAN!!!"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Shouldn't you be talking in gangster lingo too?"  
  
And 'That Ibn Guy Who's Name We're Not Going to Write Again Because it's Too Damn Long' was all like "AHHH!!! Look! It's satan's SPAWN!!"  
  
And Faithful was like, "Dammit Alanna! I thought I told you to burn those pictures!"  
  
And then Halseif was all like, "Yo! Chick Who Rides Like a Dude, you wanna join our cult **cough** I mean ...club?"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Ok, what do I have to do?"  
  
And Halseif was like, "Well, there's two choices, you can either gouge a hole in your arm with this jagged peice of metal, then let some dirty guy rub his blood in the open wound...or...you can run around the camp naked with your underwear on your head."  
  
And Alanna was all like, " You people don't have much of a life, do you?"  
  
Oh, and Alanna was innitiated, and she did some stuff ( and some people), and she murdured Halseif... oops...we mean 'That Ibn Guy Who's Name We're Not Going to Write Again Because it's Too Damn Long', trained some young Shamans, and learned to weave, and got like all domesticated and stuff.  
  
And then Myles and Jonathan came, and Jon was all like, "I'm an ornery bastard who ran away from home because I have no concept of responsibility! Alanna! Screw me!"  
  
And Alanna was all like "Nooo!!! You Fool! Not in front of the tribe!!!"  
  
And Raoul was all like, "Duh"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Raoul, not only are you not in this part, you're not even in this book!"  
  
And Francis was all like, "Yay!! I have a friend!"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Sut up Francis! You're unimportant!"  
  
And Jonathan was all like, "No. See, he's not unimportant, it was impyed back in the first book that his death deeply psychologically tramatized me and urged you to heal, so without him, I'd be dead!"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "Francis, if you weren't already dead...I'd beat you with a stick!"  
  
And Ralon was all like, "You can beat me with a stick, squire Alan, I've been a bad, bad boy"  
  
And Alanna was all like, "EEEW!!"  
  
And then the Mitheran Priest was all like, "I'll beat you malven!"  
  
And Ralon was all like, "No, sorry, I have to go now and rape someone so I can have acid thrown on my face and become horribly disfigured in time for the next book."  
  
And then Jon was all like, "Ok, I don't know where this stupid plot is going, but it doesn't seem to be leading up to me and Alanna screwing! I wanna screw!"  
  
And Alanna was all like "Righ, this sounds like a good idea, just like the time you insisted that we go to the Black City! I said we sould go to vegas and get married, but noooo!"  
  
And then Jon was all like "'Kay, Marry Me Alanna!"  
  
And Alanna was like, "What! You're not supposed to ask me that until after we screw and I become pregnantwith your lov- ...nevermind."  
  
So they screwed, and then lots of pointless stuff happened. And then Jon decided to ready the horses without alannas permission , so she spazzed and went off to screw George. And Jon screwed Josiane, and Delia, and faithful screwed that cat in someones back yoard, and Rispah screwed Corrum....so everyone got laid and was happy...well except for Ralon who was horribly disfigured...wow...just like a disney movie!  
  
The End 


	4. Lioness Rampant

And now ladies and gentlemen here's the eagerly awaited part four!!!! Next up: The Immortals.  
Disclaimer: we own none of this… except the Kodak corporation.   
Yes, we own that.  
  
Once upon a time there was a sole lady knight of tortall. She had a quest and a purpose, thus validating her existence.  
  
And Alanna was like "yay, I'm special."  
  
And Francis was like "So am I."   
  
And then Ralon said "my mommie says I'm special."  
  
And then Alanna was like "Shut up, Malven!"  
  
So Alanna and Corum road to and inn where Alanna had a bath so that she would cease to resemble Aragorn and then she went to the common room where she met Liam, but she didn't know he was Liam and he was all like "Hello, I have pectoral muscles which are larger than my head."  
  
And Corum stopped drinking long enough to say "Now that's a man you should be interested in. you'll have beautiful children with large pectoral muscles."  
  
And Alanna was like "Wow...I feel the need to endager my life."  
  
So she did, and Liam showed up and killed millions of people single-handedly like in those crappy martial arts movies.  
  
Then Alanna swooned. "Wow, you beat up all of those men single-handedly."  
  
And he was like "Of course I did, I am the shang dragon!"  
  
And Alanna was like "Really?!" and she began to lick his shoes.  
  
And Liam was like "well, this is a little kinky, but, while you're at it, go a little to the left."  
  
Then Alanna and Liam got a room and Corum was happy. And drunk. And stuff. Narg.  
  
Then Alanna convinced Liam (who had the approximate iq of a muscley potato) to be her boy toy/body guard when she went skipping off to obtain a legendary hunk of rock.  
  
And then Jon was like "Awww, I wanna be a boy toy."  
  
And Ralon was like "You can be my boy toy."  
  
And then Jon was like "Eeeeek, a threat to my maidenhood!" And he threw acid on Ralon, leaving him horribly scared and deformed.   
  
Alanna blinked and was like "That was… interesting. Liam, let's screw!"  
  
And Liam was like "Agh! Sorcery! Gods forbid people find an easier way of doing things. If people start to depend on subtlety and magic there will cease to be a need for my brute strength. And sheince I have more of less the iq of a potato I'm essentially screwed."  
And Alanna was like "What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Liam, do you think communication is a problem in our relationship?"  
  
And Liam was like "yes, let's screw."  
  
And Alanna was like "That doesn't solve everything, you know."  
  
And Liam was like "It doesn't?"  
  
And Raoul was like "Duh."  
  
And Alanna was like "Never mind, let's just screw."  
  
And then Thayet and her companions came along and were all like "tra la la, we're starving to death in a country ravaged by war. Since I'm hot you must do my bidding."  
  
And Liam was like "Uh, ok!"  
  
And Alanna was all like "wow, she's bossy, she'll be perfect for Jon."  
  
So they went off to the roof of the world where Alanna disobeyed Liam and eagerly climbed a mountain to greet certain doom with open arms.  
  
"Doom" happened to be a reject extra from the Planet of the Apes movie and he lived in a cave developing severe anti-social tendancies.  
  
And Alanna was all like "Agh! Big foot! Can I take your picture and sell it to the tabloids?"  
  
And Doom (who was also chitral) was like "Dude, photography hasn't been invented yet."  
  
And the backround voice was like "this moment was brought to you by Kodack."  
  
And alanna grabbed the dominion jewel and was like "Keep away!" and went back down the mountain and nearly died in the process.  
  
And Liam was like "Arg! You broke your promise!"  
  
And Alanna was like "Oh well, I'm marrying George anyway."  
  
And Liam was like "Noooo!!!! All I wanted was for you to become someone you weren't. is that too much to ask?"  
  
And faithful was like "yes."  
  
And Liam was like "ahhhh! It's satan!!!!"  
  
And the mother goddess was like "I thought we've been through this…"  
  
And then a bunch of stuff happened and some dude came back to life and got killed again and some other dude died as a result.  
  
And Roger was al like "Arg! Even Francis had a bigger part than me!"  
  
And then Alanna married George and lived happily ever after, the end.  
Ps- a bunch of stuff happened in the lower city which resulted in Ralons death. The end.  
And now for some shameless self promotion!!!! Make sure you check out work by the co-author, screen name is Assthorn   
  
Mikki: YAY!!!!!! We Finished SOTL!!!!! ( And it only took us a few months....**must be all the hours we spend on extensivley proof reading our works**) *runs around naked throwing flowers in the air* YAY!!! We're done!!!  
  
Dango( a.k.a. Assthorn): Uum... won't Briar be slightly displeased that you murdered thousands of ioccent flowers just so you could throw them in celebration...  
  
Mikki: **GASPS IN HORROR*** OH NO! She's right!! ( *begins kissing grass*) BRIAR! MY LOVE! FORGIVE ME!!!!!!!!!  
  
Dango: **shuffles off** Right...Ok....  
  
**********************************PLEASE REVIEW!!...WE'LL LOVE YOU!**************************  
  
Mikki: Wow. I'm a poet...and I didn't even know it!  
  
Dango: So am I. And I didn't try. 


	5. Author's note

Authors Note:  
  
We've finally gotten off our lazy asses and wrote the first two chapter of The Immortals in a Nutshell.  
  
Go read it.  
  
Satan compels you.  
  
'Dango: no he doesn't  
  
Mikki: Shut up! Just go read the story. 


End file.
